The Strangers

The Really Late Review of The Strangers

No this isn't a gay porn. It's actually a decent yet failed attempt at indie horror. The problems with the movie are pretty numerous so let's start with the good things before the bad. The movie is visually a treat for the eyes with a great use of focus throughout. The movie is also genuinely scary with out resorting to jump scares as it's main form of frightening activity. Now the bad stuff. Liv Tyler, who is on my celeb top 20 list... Not best actors list but the other one that includes Rosario Dawson, Jessica Alba, and Charisma Carpenter... Yeah that list... But seriously she chews the scene like Shatner. Also the it just so happens factor is ridiculous. You know that factor, where it just so happens that... Which moves the plot along in a less realistic manor. Finally, the story is set up in a way that makes you feel that death would be welcomed by the main characters just because of the embarrassment they endured before hand. I give The Strangers 2.5 masked psychos out of 5.

-Ted

John Dies at The End

The Really Late Review of John Dies at The End

I am still a bit confused about John's death but that really isn't what the movie is about. This movie is the most mind boggling movie that makes perfect sense. It's kind of like watching push mixed with a scanner darkly with the budget of Shaun of The Dead. It's crazy, insane, inane, and ridiculous but makes perfect sense for the most part but the other parts that don't make... Never mind, it's very difficult to explain. Acting wise, the movie plays out like an indie film. Story wise, it plays out like random yet oddly linear drug induced dream. I give John Dies at The End 3 bottles of soy sauce out of 5

-Ted

Pacific Rim

The Really Late Review of Pacific Rim

I would like to call this 2016: Romney's America, but that would be a political statement that would be both inaccurate and inappropriate. Now I only use the parody of 2016:Obama's America more for comedic relief than actually thinking that but there is a big emphasis on poor plans to keep the "illegal" aliens out that resemble republican plans to do the same. As a movie, I found it taxing and poorly written. A little formulaic in the end with little surprises here and there but nothing overly exciting. The actors are the turning point. Idris Elba plays his part like a master and steals the entire movie. The action in this film is like what a Power Rangers' movie should look like. It's violent and dramatic and the second best action film of the summer. I give Pacific Rim 3.5 Jaegermeisters out of 5.

-Ted

The Wolverine

The Really Late Review of The Wolverine

This is kind of the movie Wolvie fans have wanted for a while. The unfortunate thing is, it's 20 years too late. The film is missing it's heart. It feels like the husk of a great movie. It's quite obvious that it was cut to just barely fit within the PG-13 rating and goes to every limit of that rating but that isn't even what's wrong with the movie. The movie seems to want to play clean up and be a bridge between the original X-Men movies and First Class and it's sequel. It plays more like a footnote to the series than a full movie. The characters are forgettable, the the surprises are regrettable, and the dialogue was unbearable. Seriously someone thought that Wolvie didn't say "bub" enough in the last 5 movies he's been in so they were gonna make up for it this time. It also seems as though instead of healing the scars left over by Origins, the film makers tried to justify The Last Stand. In doing all that they made Wolverine able to access memories he should be able to because of his memory loss which was talked about in X-Men. At least the characters seem genuine and the locations set the tone nicely. The action scenes were decent but never give you what you really want. All in all the movie had potential but fell from grace. Still a better solo wolverine film than Origins. I give The Wolverine 3 claw blades out of 5.

The Conjuring

The Really Late Review of The Conjuring

I'm not sure what was creepier about this movie, the little practical effects that appear in the corner of your eye (or the screen) or if it was the fact that this was based on a true story so close to home. Literally close to home. But with it being so creepy one thing kind of was distracting, the focus of the film switches back and forth between the two families in the film. The other thing that kind of bothered me about the movie in general is that I was expecting more gruesomeness for the R rating. I give The Conjuring 4 claps out of 5.

Rock of Ages

The Really Late Review of Rock of Ages

They used to say that rock and roll will never die. That was before they made this movie. This poorly produced glee ripoff is nothing more than an awful mix tape of disjointed classic rock song mash ups that destroy the originals like a poorly timed holocaust joke at Passover. Every performance seems utterly ridiculous and embarrassingly so. It seems as though no one took their roles seriously and that made the film ridiculous in itself which it didn't need help with. With a cookie cutter story and a total disregard for cinematography this is the worst musical ever. I give Rock of Ages 1 guitar hero ripoff out of 5

-Ted

Insidious Chapter 2

The Really Late Review of Insidious Chapter 2

   Leigh Whannell has dug his claws into my heart as one of my favorite writer/actors of all time. He's created one of the most imaginative villains of all time in the Saw franchise that he started but now with Insidious Chapters 1 & 2, he's created a world that is fantastic but grounded. 

   Insidious set the standard for PG-13 horror after it came out and Chapter 2 had very big shoes to fill. The most interesting thing about chapter 2 is that it didn't want to fill any shoes but make new shoes from parts of the shoes left by the original movie.

   The heart of this film is evident in the characters. The way every actor falls right back in the roles from 2 years ago. But the writing also has something to do with that. Introducing a new character that is a piece of the puzzle that fits so perfectly was probably a difficult task but one that was worth the pain.

   All in all the film is a sequel that feels like the great next episode of an on going series. It hits most of the marks but misses some too but that's every movie. I give Insidious Chapter 2 a 3.75 furthers out of 5.

-Ted J